What We Used To Tell The Passengers !!

Wow Ted thanks for all that. I remember those days and your "pryamid" and Louisiana Deer anouncements. Those really were some awesome and somewhat "rogue" times. Yes I remember you running Master, Dick Weber was Mate and Dave Williamson Head Deckhand on the MQ. Pizzas from Red Stick and sandbar stops.

Awe, Cap! You never told 'em about the time the mate rigged a chute over the splash board on the DQ to feed buckets of golf balls into the paddle wheel to discourage a rival racer...that took nerve because you had to ring for full astern and hope the job was done before she lost her headway. Cap'n Walnut PS: are you listening Mary C?

not every passenger is "dumb and naive"

While we all know these funny passenger stories, I think most if not all past passengers reading this message board are neither naive nor dumb.

Everyone has a "first time" on the river and learns something new. They give us old-times a good laugh or two, but at the same time I think we shouldn't be too arrogant about them ...

Think of it this way: One of them for instance might be a secret service agent (I met a retired secret service agent on our first cruise) - he might know nothing about the river, but do you know every weird detail about his profession? Would you like to be called naive and dumb by him because you don't?

Never Ever !

Greetings From New Orleans ,
I certainly can't speak for anyone else that worked the boats when I did , but I can certainly speak for myself and I personally never ever called a passenger dumb . Also , in most cases after the phony explanation was given , the real and honest explanation was given and explained and everyone involved had a good laugh over it including the passenger(s) ! I guess you just had to be there to fully appreciate and understand what was said and done and why . When those of us that actually worked the boats in that day and under those conditions , one of the very few things that kept our morale up was to employ a sense of humor whenever possible and to my knowledge there was never any negative reprecussions or feed back from the office concerning these " explanations and announcements " . Futhermore , at the time when these answers were given , the majority of the passengers knew immediately that these answers were injest and realized that these antics were just part of the entertainment on the boats . Fortunately , these were the days before POLITICAL CORRECTNESS took a strangle hold on our society and pranks on the passengers and the crew were generally taken in a spirit of simple entertainment . Enough said !
Smooth Sailing !
Ted Davisson

Franz Neumeier;14371 wrote: While we all know these funny passenger stories, I think most if not all past passengers reading this message board are neither naive nor dumb.

Everyone has a "first time" on the river and learns something new. They give us old-times a good laugh or two, but at the same time I think we shouldn't be too arrogant about them ...

Think of it this way: One of them for instance might be a secret service agent (I met a retired secret service agent on our first cruise) - he might know nothing about the river, but do you know every weird detail about his profession? Would you like to be called naive and dumb by him because you don't?

Very true, Ted. Most, if not all such comments were realized to be a joke almost as soon as they were told. A Dave Rainbolt/Lexie Palmore joke comes to mind: It seems like after every high water on the Ohio River there is a huge bunch of drift piled up on the pier at the Brandenburg, KY highway bridge. Lexie and Dave always used to tell passengers that that was a giant condor's nest, and if they looked around, they might see the bird! Of course, everyone knew it was a joke. One thing that brings this on is that the crew is asked the same (sometimes silly) questions time after time after time. We would get so tired of the same questions and answers that we would tell obvious tall tales to liven up everyone's experience. Even Mark Twain has been known to tell a tall tale!

Ted: I think a good example of this is the pilot house chatter recorded by Mark Twain in his well-known book, Life on the Mississippi. The one about alligators will do nicely. Same spirit, methinks. And I think that Franz is correct that those on this board are far from naive or dumb. Cap'n Walnut.

Everyone is right--a sense of humor is essential out on the river. It can be a fine line, as I've found out. Sometimes I've made an announcement that seems very obviously impossible to me (we're crossing the state line--sorry the red stripe is not visible, but they forgot and used water-based paint, so it dissolved) and there will still be someone who questions me. I do try to limit myself to VERY obvious jokes like this one. I personally have a target on my back, and a chain that gets yanked all day long. I don't see it myself--but apparently everyone else does. But that's what makes it so much fun--we are all laughing all day! I love these stories, and wish we could get away with these shenanigans now. Ours were pretty tame!

A Distinctive and Plaintive Call...

Before there was a Discovery Guide, and even before there was the Riverlorian, there was the Mate. At first it was Cap'n Doc, and when I succeeded him, I was the one doing what you've been paid to do on the steamboat. Every day after lunch I held forth with my best river stuff in the Orleans Room, and sometimes I threw in some extra information I either made up or was once used on me when I was the butt of someone else’s humor. Walt Hoffmeier and Ernie Wagner always likes to play jokes on people, and when I was starting out, I took my share of ribbing that I eventually passed on to a gullible audience.

Walter Hoffmeier got me with his "Mile-or-More Bird" joke, and I oft retold it in the O'Room:

"Today we will be passing miles of golden sandbars and you may see an unusual bird on these beaches, called the Mile-or-More Bird known for its distinctive and plaintive call. So keep your eyes and ears peeled."

What I didn't tell them was the punch line, and that was that the MOM Bird "stuck his bill into the sand; whistled from its highest most-elevated part, so you could hear him a mile, or more."

After a session on the iron wood deck, a group of excited little blue-haired ladies cornered me on the outside Cabin Deck and joyfully reported seeing a flock of Mile-or-More Birds on the sandbar off the starboard side.

"And we heard 'em, too!"

I for one never heard any complaints about our antics from the pax. And funny you should bring up the Secret Service Franz. Back in those glorious days the crew on the DQ seemed to have a penchant for theme parties. Well a couple of weeks before former prez Jimmy Carter rode the boat we had Secret Service agents riding to check it out. Sure enough that sparked a Secret Service party in the forward hold and everybody had to wear white shirts ties and Dark glasses. The agents themselves even laughed about this as they roamed the boat and happened to witness some of this. When John Belushi died the crew got a 6 foot styrofoam cooler and filled it with ice and beer and used it as a coffin and again everyone dressed in Bluse Bros. attire and had a tribute to John Belushi. Thats how the crew blew off steam back then and everyone still performed their duties the next day without fail.

Franz Neumeier;14371 wrote: While we all know these funny passenger stories, I think most if not all past passengers reading this message board are neither naive nor dumb.

Franz, my friend, what you are witnessing, I think, is part of classic American humor. I've sometimes found, to my horror, that what we regard as harmless irreverence is often contrued as disrespect by some of our more formal European friends.

Early in my cruising life, working on the Key West Shuttle, I learned that lesson the hard way. A couple of times I thought I had said something funny, but I was met with a blank stare by passengers who were trying to figure out if they had just been insulted.

So, I learned to temper it a bit.

And the truth is much more amusing than anything we could make up. Every boat I have ever worked, steam driven or not, has a list of funny passenger questions.

My favorite from the Key West days concerned a question from a passenger wanting to scuba dive around the island. He wanted to know that, since the island is anchored to the bottom by chains, is it possible to dive under the island.

I had never before, nor have ever since, been struck so speechless by something a passenger said.

Paul, methinks mebbe you had just been "had". Everybody knows those chains would corrode and rust out in all that salt water and you'd hafta chase the island if you wanted to land on it. That's why they use nylon monofilliment line instead. Doctor Mudd was stationed down that way some years back. He got a free trip if I remember right, courtesy of the government...ran into a bad actor by the name of Booth they say. I've heard tell that you're not a bad actor. But I'd still fight shy of that SCUBA trick. At least if you gotta do it, make it a hard-hat dive...a piece of the underside of the island might fall off! Then, there's the mermaids...but we won't go there! Cap'n Walnut

Tom Schiffer;14387 wrote: Paul, methinks mebbe you had just been "had". Everybody knows those chains would corrode and rust out in all that salt water and you'd hafta chase the island if you wanted to land on it. That's why they use nylon monofilliment line instead. Doctor Mudd was stationed down that way some years back. He got a free trip if I remember right, courtesy of the government...ran into a bad actor by the name of Booth they say. I've heard tell that you're not a bad actor. But I'd still fight shy of that SCUBA trick. At least if you gotta do it, make it a hard-hat dive...a piece of the underside of the island might fall off! Then, there's the mermaids...but we won't go there! Cap'n Walnut

Ah, Cap, you could be right. What was I thinking? Of course the chains would corrode! And, Cap, forgive me but methinks mebbe you yourself may have spent one too many nights in the Conch Republic, or someplace like it, partaking of the local refreshments. Whaddya think?

Long live the Conch Republic!

Paul: Too many nights in the Conch Republic??? Me, I'm a totally innocent by-stander 'way up here in Kentucky. We don't have no Conchs up here and I often wonder about the Republic. But we do have the occasional julip and some fair to middlin red whiskey now and again. We even some white stuff that HAS been known to strike twice in the same place. Now, this is just stuff that I've heard about, you understand... Cap'n Walnut

I can recall passengers on my DQ trips asking where the pool was...and the answer given was the "Hurricane Deck"...sometimes an added reply was given, one I seem to recall was "it's closed today due the gusty winds", or along those lines...

Many years ago now, I can also recall a tour group of elderly ladies sitting next to my family out on the deck stating as we were passing through Lake Pepin that the bluffs of Maiden Rock, etc were in fact the infamous Wisconsin Dells!!! I believe either my parents or grandfather tried to correct them, but to no avail...as that's what they were told by their tour leader!

Who knew the famous Dells stretched over 170 miles!!!!

I will never forget being within earshot of Bud Black being interviewed by an unsuspecting young woman reporter from a California paper. As you can imagine, Bud was in his element, which means he was telling boldface lies with complete credibility, when the poor woman asked him about what was contained in some barges we were passing. Bud's definitive reply was, "Oh, those are manure barges." The woman scrawled on her pad....and then asked him, "How do you know this?" "Well, just look closely, and you can see the flies." More scrawling on pad. Me rolling on the deck laughing.

I read that the Delta Queen was the only steamboat to pass through the Panama Canal. At the time I read it, I was wondering if anyone informed the engineers on the other vessels.

Is this something that would have come from the crew, or is this a fabrication that would have come from the Greene Lines home office?

The other stories reminded me of the time we were bringing our 16' sailboat to the docks at Jack London Square so that my brother could use the restroom. My dad told me I would have to hold the boat to the dock unless I could get someone to loan us a few feet of shore line. (no, I didn't fall for it).

Bruce, History says that the Delta Queen was the only paddlewheeler to traverse the Panama...She wasn't being motivated by the paddlewheel at the time, but that's nit-picking in my opinion...and I've always taken that as a fact...Being the only steam powered vessel to ever go through the canal is beyond silly, I agree, even to this day.

DQ Panama Canal claims

The most ridiculous claim about the DQ's Panama Canal transit was that the calliope was playing the whole time... the calliope which was installed in 1960 was playing in 1947.... that work of art was thanks to Don Deming, longtime PR and BS man for the DQ, who has been discussed previously on this board.

Judy's right, Don Deming fabricated 90% of his supposed information talks. Bruno the DQ was not the only paddlewheeler to transit the Panama Canal. When the Canal opened many of the ship assist tugs were steam sidewheelers.

Don Deming, rest his soul, the self proclaimed 'original Marlboro (sp?) Man' as in cigarettes worked for the company for quite a few years. Fabricating only "90%", might be charitable Bill.

As we ease into December who can forget Roddy's interpretation of the one and only D. Deming--who, I understand, made his final crossing a couple years ago.

It is that time of year again to hoist a toast to Roddy Hammett who left us all to soon at the hand of a yet and still unapprehended villain (PC tern).

Wow Don Deming s a blast from the past! Quite a few names pop up on here that I hadnt heard in some 25 or so years and thats definitely one, but you know I can picture him as if it were just yesterday. And as Captain Blum does I also Toast the memory of Captain Roddy Hamett. And does anyone know if Capt. Don Summers is still around?

This was a game on the Belle of Louisville as well. Crewmen DO get tired of answering the same silly questions. How fast are we going? How deep is the water? (And they don't mean generally - they mean right here at this spot!)

One evening two men approached Chet Foster, our chief for that trip. One of them asked Chet to settle a question, then asked, "Which end of the boat is the stem on?"
Chet didn't hesitate, "Buddy, I don't know. I just came to her last week."

We always had fun with guys who'd served in the navy and threw their weight around, spouting that deep-sea lingo. It was even more fun with Coast Guardsmen newly assigned to a river post.

Some common questions:
"How long is the two hour trip?"
"Are we going to see Cincinnati?"
"What lake is this?"
When downstairs the captain would inevitably be asked, "Who's driving the boat?" The answer was, "Oh, she's on automatic pilot right now."
"Come on now! What really makes it go?"

It is easy to give in to temptation toward prevarication.

Hi Alan,

Those are great! You made me think of a couple of favorites heard on board:

"Is there water behind that island?"
"Are we going to go under that bridge?" (No, we're going to portage around it...)
"Does this stairway go up or down?"

Ah, not only not the only, not even the last one to traverse the canal. I think that honor, for now, falls to the Eppelton Hall, the English sidewheel steam tug that was STEAMED across the Atlantic Ocean and up the Pacific to San Francisco, where she languishes today. It is an amazing story, if you ever get ahold of the book. A good friend, no longer with us, was one of the crew members. Oh the stories!!
S'
DAvid D.